Australia

If you're one of my myriad two followers, you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. That's because, since we were already in New Zealand, we took an extra trip to Australia. This is pretty much the same as deciding that since you're in San Francisco, you might as well visit Denver because it's nearby. But logic never reigned supreme in our family…

Did you know that Australia has 20 of the 25 most venomous snake species in the world, including all of the top ten? Or that they also have nastily poisonous spiders? And even poisonous shells? That's right, if you go beachcombing you're risking a hospital stay. Oh, and just in case you avoid those, there are immense crocodiles and the ever-popular Great White shark. It's no wonder Australia has a small population; every time somebody goes to the beach they wind up dead. I imagine it gets kind of boring after the third or fourth time you die.

Our solution was simple: since Australia is famed for its bush country, we stuck to the cities. After filling out a 12-page quiz at the airport (sample question: “Are you carrying anything we might put you in jail for? Please tell us so we can save time and put you in jail straightaway”) we headed into Sydney. The Australians had provided us with a helpful checklist of sights (I think they review it when you leave, and if you haven't petted a kangaroo and visited the Sydney Opera House they make you go back and try again). So we went straight to a performance at the Opera House. (I hadn't known that Shakespeare wrote operas, but apparently Much Ado About Nothing qualifies because that's what we saw.)

After that, we took in a bunch of uniquely Aussie destinations, such as a Sikh temple (with fiberglass domes, just like in Disneyland), a rainforest (filled with bird sounds, just like in Disneyland), and several zoos (all of which had elephants, just like in…dang it!). Whenever we got close to something that seemed like real nature, I locked all the car doors in terror and drove away as fast as I could.

But it still seemed important to see some of those unusual animals, like the platypus. It turns out that the ol' duck-bill is pretty elusive, but by using my unerring backcountry instincts I managed to track one down in a nearby zoo. I was about to reach out and tickle the cute thing when I noticed the sign above the pond.

Yep, that's right. Even the blasted platypus is poisonous! I headed straight for the airport. We were three days early for our flight, but at least we were safe.

In a few years maybe we'll try the Amazon. I plan to wear chain mail.