Effortless

I recently received an e-mail that, because of its wonderful mastery of the English language, I feel obligated to quote here for you. In full, the text reads:

We are efforting to get to you and get a linux server to run you over. Are you on ubuntu? That's what we currently support.

“Efforting?”

Now I know what you're thinking: it's not very fair to make fun of people who are still learning English. That is, unless they're named “Bob McTavier.&rdquo

And that, of course, brings me to the dismal state of English in modern America. I don't so much mind getting “run over” by a Linux server; it's a much better way to go than watching campaign ads. (Side note: why did we waterboard the people we captured in Afghanistan? If we'd forced them to pay attention to the last election, they would have begged for mercy and it would have all been legal.)

But do we really need to verbize all our nouns? This guy certainly seems to think so.

Without further ado, here is the letter I wrote back:

Dear McTavierator:

Thank u for effortizating you're effort's. I just want to loop ur e-mail so we can acquisition end-to-end agreement on the critical paradigm and synergize the tactical detail's.

Do you have groupwide competencies on ubuntu? I ask because you have a fantastic team-based opportunitation here. If you can tractionize your marketeering with dispatch, I am confidenting we will wind up win-winning together.

I'm still waiting for the response.

Oops, excuse me: responsification.

A New Laptop

When we decided to spend a year in New Zealand, my wife told me she needed a new laptop. I gotta love her logic. It went something like this: “You have a laptop. I need a computer, and I don't like your laptop because it's not a Mac. So you have to buy me a laptop.”

I pointed out that we could probably get a used Mac once we arrived, for much cheaper than a shiny new laptop. Nothing doing. “My sister has a Mac laptop with wireless networking and a built-in video camera. If I had one of those, I could talk to her on iChat. I could talk to everybody on iChat. I could talk to you on iChat.”

I pointed out that, since I don't have a Mac, I don't have anything that starts with a lowercase “i”. Hell, my computer doesn't even have icons. iCons?

Then I pointed out that a desktop was much cheaper, and she really didn't need the portability of a laptop. “Yes, I do! I could use it on the plane! And I could sit in the garden and work!”

So off we went to the computer store to buy a Mac laptop. $2000 later, she had a big smile on her face. So did the guy who sold it to us. Hey, two out of three ain't bad.

Of course, she didn't use it on the plane. She started watching an in-flight movie and fell asleep in the middle. When we got to New Zealand, though, she started blogging and e-mailing like crazy. Too bad we didn't have an Internet connection.

Of course, it was my fault when she clicked “send” and the computer responded by sticking its tongue out at her. (You gotta admire those Apple engineers; who else would build a computer with special hardware for insulting newbies?) I called up the phone company; they said it was the power company's fault. I called the power company and they blamed the phone company. I called the phone people back, and they said it was probably the garbage collection service. So I threw the stupid laptop in the trash, which should have solved everything, but the trash people said it was in the wrong bin (it's an Apple, so I put it with “food”) and made me take it back.

Eventually I got the Internet thing straightened out and my wife was happy—for a few days. But then we decided the laptop needed some accessories. The trackpad is clumsy and hurts my fingers, so we got a USB mouse. Then somebody told me that she shouldn't actually use the battery, since using it ruins it (huh?), so she started keeping the machine plugged in. She needed to print, so we acquired a USB printer and plugged that in. She needed to make copies, so we added a scanner. The screen was too small; no problem, just hook up an external monitor. Keyboard a bit cramped? Full-sized ones are readily available. Oops, we aren't backing it up: better add an external drive.

So here we are with the nice new laptop. We don't use the battery, the keyboard, the mouse, or the screen. She had a fight with her sister, and nobody else she knows uses iChat, so we don't do video. There are seventy-three wires coming out the back of the thing, so we never move it off the desk for fear we won't be able to hook it back up correctly. And none of us has figured out how to watch a movie, because with all the wires we can't find the slot the DVD goes into.

But she promises to send me an e-mail while we're on the flight home.