Cycling

I have a confession to make. It's a shameful secret, one that I've tried to keep hidden for decades, but it's time to finally come clean. Maybe then I can overcome my problem and make a fresh start.

So here it is: I like to get dressed up in slinky skin-tight outfits. Sometimes they're mostly black, sometimes they're colorful. A lot of the time they show skin—lots and lots of skin. And then I go out and display myself to the world.

Yes, it's true. I'm a cyclist.

Those of you who don't share my addiction may wonder exactly why any sane person would dress in clothes that don't look good even on a 20-year-old supermodel, climb on a flimsy hunk of aluminum, and risk his life doing mortal combat with maniacs in SUVs. Well, wonder no more, because the answer is staring you in the face: we're stupid.

You might think, based on your childhood experience with a $30 Stingray that was handed down from your big sister (complete with pink tassels on the handgrips) and eventually stolen by the school bully, that riding a bike is an easy, fun, and inexpensive way to get exercise. Right. The modern cyclist needs a machine that costs at least $2000 (and that's for the cheapskates—the big spenders can drop that much for a single wheel). Then he has to buy those fancy clothes to prove that he is an “experienced cyclist” who is willing to spend tons of money on frivolities.

Of course, he also has to buy an expensive helmet to protect his head in case of accident (remind me again why it's a good idea to engage in a sport that endangers your life?). Even his gloves and socks are special.

And then there are the shoes. Watch a cyclist get off his bike sometime. Look at how he walks. He can't! Because he's wearing “cycling shoes” that cost more than your Grandma Minnie's pacemaker. And what's special about them? Well, they make it impossible to walk, which is critical because it makes him feel special. Plus, when he's on the bike they clamp his feet onto the pedals.

That's right. Serious cyclists can't take their feet off the pedals! So what happens when they get to a traffic light? Simple: they fall over. If you hang out in hotbeds of cycling, like France, you'll often find huge heaps of bike riders by the side of the road, struggling to get up like a bunch of cockroaches. French drivers are used to this; they just toss a few granola bars into the pile of Lycra as they go past. In America, though, we usually shift into four-wheel drive and go straight over.

We cyclists will have the last laugh, though. Because we know that cycling is one of the healthiest sports around. If you want proof, just look at Lance Armstrong: he took up cycling and beat cancer. And not just any cancer either; it was testicular cancer. How about that, tough guy? You think your big ol' Hummer is gonna save you from the knife? Uh-uh. You wanna survive, you gotta be tough. You gotta snap yourself into some Spandex, clip your feet onto the pedals, and ride. Ride hundreds of miles every day, up enormous mountains, rain or shine, in the heat and in the cold. Build up those leg muscles, expand those lungs.

But don't expect me to be out there with you, because I figured that one out a long time ago. Nowadays, I dress up in the fancy clothes, tell the wife I'll be back in a few hours, and hide the bike in the garage. Then I drive to the pub.

What, you think I'm dumb or something?