Earthquake!

You may have heard that New Zealand had an earthquake recently.

Imagine what it's like: it's 4:00 in the morning. You are sound asleep, snug under a warm blanket, dreaming of the kind of people who exist only in shampoo commercials. Suddenly an enormously loud noise startles you awake. The bed is shaking, the house is shuddering, and in your half-aware confusion you struggle to figure out what's wrong. Without quite understanding why, you leap into a doorway and brace yourself against the frame. Only then do you realize the horrible truth: your spouse is snoring again.

So you go back to bed and try to get some shut-eye before dawn. But pretty soon the shaking starts again, and this time it's the Real Thing. So you do what you do best: pull the covers over your head and pretend it's not happening—which is about the stupidest thing you could do because what if the house collapsed? Or your spouse woke up and accused you of snoring?

Somewhere in the middle of the “event” the power goes out. You know this despite the wee hour because you always keep a Winnie-the-Pooh night light burning, and now it doesn't work. Now that things are really serious, you jump out of bed and start banging the light against the wall, with no effect. You become aware of the rest of your family; you can hear screaming, whimpering, and sobbing. Fortunately, at just about this point the whole thing stops.

Sweating, overcome with relief, you look up to see your daughter standing in the hall, looking at you with an odd expression. “Daddy?” she asks calmly, “Why were you making all those noises? You woke me up.”

“Oh, just planning a quick vacation, honey.” And without missing a beat, you toss her in the car and drive north as fast as you can.

Anything to escape that snoring.